MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Boom, boom, ching!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait