@robdelaney Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
@karlykingsley If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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@robdelaney 
@_wangwe There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
@Donna_McCoy You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@AnnaKendrick47 Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
@cookie_mumbles Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
@Kendragarden Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
@dshack8 Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
@Reverend_Scott “PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
@RedheadChaos Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
@jus4golf I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.