If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
🏙👨🏼
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Noah
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock