If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
You’ll be OK
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti