@karlykingsley

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

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@robdelaney

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

@_wangwe

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@AnnaKendrick47

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@dshack8

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.