I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”