Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!