[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.