We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times