Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
You Might Also Like
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.