Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
#Caturday
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?