Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.


It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.



Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun


[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”


Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.


me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.


THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!