@KalvinMacleod
@_Tempo11 I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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@_Tempo11 
@English_Channel what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
@Resi001 It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
@Luke_R99 Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
@InternetHippo (asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
@KyleMcDowell86 [Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
@juicymorsel Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
@KeetPotato me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
@Contwixt My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
@ArfMeasures THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!