I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?