I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
This is Sparta
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ