People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
consequences, the bane of my existence
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”