Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Clients after you give them your rates
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”