Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
was Jim off killing horses or…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
also my go-to takeaway order
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no