I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You Might Also Like
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
is this a warning or an offer?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is