Meanwhile in Canada…
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Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
How do you like your Corgi?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
This classic never gets old . . .
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes