“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Running from your problems is cardio .
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.