Running from your problems is cardio .
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?