[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Eat…
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.