When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse