Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably