{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit