{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
finally found a reasonable question
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.