reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I think this cat is broken
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
This will never not be funny to me.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I bet
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips