wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.