If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”