@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

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@oneawkwardmom

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

@daemonic3

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

@batkaren

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

@scot7a

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

@RiotGrlErin

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

@Contwixt

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

@KentWGraham

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.