I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids