I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
the saddest jazz hands ever
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?