I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before


A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.


Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.


ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…


vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.


In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.


I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.


Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.