Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Spring of Deception
My nickname in high school was “who?”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*frowns in Scottish*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.