Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger