I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE