Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My first son he is wonderful
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?