I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
🛁
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP