My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
You Might Also Like
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.