‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”