My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers