You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?