thank god the sign was there
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”