The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.