This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Why are bridges so flammable.