This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Ferrari squats
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
They’re not wrong
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people