Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

oh u like geography? name every lake

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.