By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
saw this in a dream
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.