Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Still cracks me up
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake