Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The absolute effort that went into this omg
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.