I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder