78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport