78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.![]()
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
only 11 steps left
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*