I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Not all heroes wear capes…
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*