[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search