When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Meat Cute
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”