Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
It was worth a shot 😂
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.