Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.