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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
japanese corn
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.