How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali