How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”