Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
THIS HEADLINE
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad